Joke: Christmas Ideas for idiots

Amazing Christmas Gift Ideas from Hazard Fraught! Just in time for the Holidays!

 

 

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Joke: Girls' night out

GOTTA PEE

 

Two women  friends had gone for a girls' night out.

Both were very faithful and loving  wives, however

They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in  the cemetery.

 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought

She would take off her panties and use them.

 

Her friend however was  wearing a rather expensive

Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

 

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave

That had a wreath  with a ribbon on it, so she

Proceeded to wipe with that.

 

After the  girls did their business, they proceeded to Go home..

 

The next day, the  husband of one of the women was concerned

That his normally sweet and  innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and  said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the  worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

 

"That's nothing," said the  other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

 

'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget  you.' "

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Easiest way to display MKV thumbnails

After searching the Internet for days trying to figure out how to get my Windows 7 Ultimate 64-bit system to display MKV thumbnails, I ran across an incredibly simple solution:

Install the DivX Plus Codec Pack

The codec pack not only lets Windows Explorer (yes, even 64-bit Explorer) display thumbnails, but will enable MKV playback within Windows Media Player.

There are many other solutions for getting Windows to display thumbnails for other file types. A pretty clever tool is called Mystic Thumbs that generates thumbnails for lots of image and data file formats. It's worth trying, but of course won't help with MKV thumbnails.

This is a fairly short, direct post, but I wanted to get this crazy easy solution out on the interwebs in the hope that it will save others hours of wasted attempts and unnecessary software installations.

Joke: A golf joke

· Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

·

· The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

·

· He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"? He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

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Joke: Cartoons for the older crowd ...

Deodorant or Antiperspirant? (this is TOO TRUE!)       How do you know when it is time to "hang up the car keys"? I WOULD SAY WHEN YOUR DOG HAS THIS LOOK ON HIS FACE!

 

 

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Test Android post

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Joke: Today's Philosophy: Universal Laws

UNIVERSAL LAWS 1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act 4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. 5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.. 6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 10. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 11. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 12. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 13. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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Joke: David Is To Be Returned To Italy .

David Is To Be Returned To Italy .
A  bit of cultural news for a welcome  change.

 

 
After a  two year loan to the United States ,
Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy

 

His Proud Sponsors were:

 

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Joke: NEWEST IN GOLF CART DESIGN

Check out the newest rides on the golf course!

Franklin Grove & some other towns have made it legal to drive golf carts on the streets.

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Joke: A man walks into a bar ...

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must
be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and
asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the
three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or
less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then
do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he
drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he
sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar
hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then
nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from
bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's
that old woman with the bad tooth?"

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Joke: Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 8. Bad decisions make good stories. 9. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 10. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 11. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 12. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 13. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 14. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 15. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 16. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 17. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 18. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! 19. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

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Joke: Suggested dictionary additions (neologisms)

The Washington Post Style Invitational is a weekly humor/wordplay
contest with unbelievably clever humor contributed by thousands of
readers. It's published every Saturday in The Post's Style (features)
section, and every Friday afternoon at about 3:30. There are neologism
contests regularly, but also lots of other sources of humor as well.

Here are the winners of a recent neologism (new word) contest:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

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USB SuperCharger seriously speeds up USB flash drive access

USB SuperCharger: Where have you been all my life?!?!?

Time for a little background before I get all gushy about this new-found gold mine of USB flash drive performance. I'm a huge fan of PortableApps. Aside from running Thunderbird, Firefox, FileZilla, Pidgin, KeePass, and Skype as portable applications off of my 64GB USB flash drive, I have at least two dozen other portable apps installed, just in case I have the need or desire to run them while not sitting at one of my home/office computers. On a regular basis — at least eight hours a weekday — I have three or more portable apps running constantly.

These applications, while streamlined to be HD-dependent, are at times "chatty Cathys" reading and writing and fragmenting and wearing out my USB flash drive's NAND memory until there's nothing left. The performance hit varies, depending on flash drive vendor. I typically do a day's worth of research, buy the biggest, fastest, most expensive USB flash drive I can find, then run it from 6-12 months before I start seeing smoke pour out from around the USB connector; not literally of course, but all good MLC NANDs eventually give up the ghost after a kajillion read/write operations. Performance during the lifetime of these latest/greatest USB flash drives is acceptable at best, and vein-burstingly frustrating at worst, which is where I was ... until yesterday. Enter my new best friend: USB SuperCharger from Easy Computing.

Upon first glance, USB SuperCharger looks to be black magic, deal-with-the-devil, impossibly too good to be true, snake oil. Claims on the site imply improvements from nothing to 1000X faster (yes, boys and girls, they're talking 100,000% faster). C'mon. Give me some credit here. That, coupled with the fact that there's no Try Before You Buy option, aside from the ability to install it for free on a 1-2GB flash drive, makes you wonder if they're just out to get your hard-earned PayPal cash. Well, y'know what? They aren't! USB SuperCharger rocks!!!

I installed the software on a 2GB USB flash drive, then installed Firefox 4 Beta 6 from PortableApps.com. As soon as I brought up the application, I had to double-check the flash drive's access LED to insure that I hadn't started Firefox from the HD by mistake. The application came up instantly. As I continued to surf, I continued to be impressed. There is seriously a night and day difference between running portable apps with and without USB SuperCharger. I couldn't believe it, and after buying a 64GB license, I still can't believe it. The improvement is nothing short of astounding.

There have been claims that some combinations of installation and bad habits have caused fatal corruption of the data, but so far I've been running perfectly clean. Any self-respecting USB flash drive owner should have backups anyway (flash drive lifetime is finite), but it's something to watch out for. Also, I ran into a problem with accessing — or more accurately, formatting — more than 32GB of virtual supercharged flash drive under Windows XP. I've got an e-mail into their Support group for assistance, but it's not like the other 32GB is wasted; just un-supercharged. I still have access in case I need it for archiving or temporary storage.

In a nutshell, if you are a heavy user of USB flash drives, stop what you're doing, click on one of the hotlinks I've provided in this blog post, and purchase USB SuperCharger immediately. You will absolutely not be disappointed.

Joke: Pencil Sharpener -- Wow!

Some people have way too much free time…

 

 

 

Steady hands. Good eyesight.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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